The Law of Esteem–How Praise Releases Energy
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
—MARK TWAIN
The law of esteem recognizes that all humans need and want praise, recognition, and acceptance. Acceptance and praise are two of our deepest cravings; we can never get enough. William James once said, ‘‘The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated.’’ You can give simple praise to a child and watch them soar to the top of the world. We know how a simple thank you can make our day. Human beings have a psychological need to be respected and accepted. We need affection to satisfy the need to belong, we want praise so we can feel admired, and we want recognition to satisfy our need for personal worth.
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Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is the elusive aspiration of most people. It is a confidence or self-satisfaction in oneself. Where does self-esteem come from? The people who are truly happy and comfortable with themselves are the ones who are able to live with and achieve what they want, not what they think others want. When people truly function in this manner, they are more pleasant to be around. They tend to be more generous, upbeat, and open-minded. They fulfill their own needs, but are careful to consider the needs of others.
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Pride
Pride is the exact opposite of self-esteem. A prideful person gets no pleasure out of having something, but only out of having more of it, better or bigger than someone else’s, or something that no one else has. It is the comparison that makes you proud, the pleasure of being above the rest. Contrary to popular opinion, there is no lasting joy or fulfillment in pride. Peace and satisfaction will never come because the looming possibility of something or someone bigger and better coming along will always exist. One relishing their position at the top of the hill can never rest easy for too long.[4] Pride is a false sense of accomplishment because it is not based on true or pure motives. As C.S. Lewis observed, ‘‘Pride is a spiritual cancer; it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense.’’
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The Ego
We all have an ego, and at times a very fragile one. We all yearn to feel important. The ego, or the individuality of each person, demands respect, wants approval, and seeks accomplishment. Deep inside every man and woman is a desire for importance and approval. This ego of ours can cause us to act illogically and destructively, or it can cause us to act nobly and bravely. When our ego is starved, we seek nourishment for it in any way we can get it. Feed the hungry ego and it will be more persuadable. This hunger is universal; we need our ego fed on a daily basis. We have to have an affirmation every day that our worth as a human being is still intact and that we are appreciated and noticed. After analyzing many surveys, Researcher J.C. Staehle found that the principal causes of dissatisfied workers stemmed from the actions of their supervisors.[6] Those actions included the following, listed in the order of their importance:
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Ingratiation: Make Others Feel Important
Ingratiation is gaining favor by deliberate effort. Ingratiation techniques can include compliments, flattery, and agreeableness. Ingratiation can also involve a special recognition of someone such as, ‘‘We don’t usually do this, but in your case I’m going to make an exception,’’ or ‘‘I am personally going to take care of this matter and see that you get what you want.’’ Many people consider ingratiation sucking up or brown-nosing, but it is an effective technique for making others more persuadable. The reason this strategy works is because The Law of Esteem increases likability and promotes an increase in ego.
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The Leverage of Praise
Sincere praise and compliments can have a powerful effect on people. Praise boosts one’s self-esteem. When you genuinely give praise, it releases energy in the other person. You have seen it and experienced it yourself. When you receive sincere compliments or praise, you get a smile on your face, your spirits soar, and you have a new aura about you.
Praise Others Daily
I think of all the funerals I have attended, and how all of them ended with beautiful eulogies. Why do we have to wait until someone is dead to say something nice about them? As Ra1ph Waldo Emerson put it, ‘‘Every man is entitled to be valued by his best moments.’’ Men will sacrifice their lives for praise, honor, and recognition. We crave and yearn for a boost to our esteem. We all wear an imaginary badge that says, ‘‘Please make me feel important.’’ It is criminal to withhold our praise when we see someone, especially children, do great and honorable things. Yet then when they do something wrong, we jump down their throats. Have you ever thought about how we would never think of physically harming someone or depriving them of food and water, yet often without reservation we hurt someone emotionally or deprive them of love and appreciation? George Bernard Shaw said, ‘‘The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them.’’ We should make it a habit to give genuine praise to someone every day. Don’t wait for a reason or for something big to happen. Be generous with your praise. Praise makes others more open to persuasion.
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Acceptance
Closely related to praise is acceptance. We all long for acceptance. We want to feel like our actions and contributions help an effort or cause. We want to be noticed by others. We all want to be someone of significance who is held in high regard. Knowing this, you can help your listeners and prospects feel that their help is appreciated, that they are personally accepted, and that their contributions are essential. When they feel accepted unconditionally, with no strings attached, their doubts, fears, and inadequacies will go out the window. Be kind, don’t patronize, and be genuine in your acceptance— have it come from your heart. When that sense of belonging is established, you have tapped into a basic human need.
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