The Law of Connectivity–Contagious Cooperation
The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.
—THEODORE ROOSEVELT
We have all had the experience of feeling an instant connection or bond with someone after just a few seconds of being in their presence. This is the Law of Connectivity. We have probably all met someone whom we instantly did not like and did not want to be around. This is caused by a lack of connectivity and usually takes only a few seconds to manifest itself. The Law of Connectivity states that the more we feel connected to, part of, liked by, or attracted to someone, the more persuasive they become. When you create an instant bond or connection, people feel comfortable around you. They will feel like they have known you for a long time and that they can easily relate to you. When we feel connected with someone, we feel comfortable and understood; they can relate to us and a sense of trust ensues.
There are four main factors in connectivity: attraction, similarity, people skills, and rapport. Each of these points will be discussed in detail in the following pages. However, before proceeding, it is important to note that really connecting with others requires an attitude of sincerity, a lot of practice, and a true interest in the other person. Whatever you do, don’t take your relationships with people for granted.
Attraction: The Halo Effect
Attraction operates by making one positive characteristic of a person affect other people’s overall perception of him. Sociologists describe this as the halo effect. Because of this halo effect, people automatically associate traits of kindness, trust, and intelligence with people who are attractive. We naturally try to please people we like and find attractive. If your audience likes you, they will forgive you for your ‘‘wrongs’’ and remember your ‘‘rights.’’ In fact, studies show that people who are physically attractive are better able to persuade others. They are also perceived as friendlier and more talented, and they usually have higher incomes.[1] ‘‘Attractive’’ means more than just looking beautiful or handsome. It also encompasses having the ability to attract and draw people to you.
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Similarity: Similar Is Familiar
Similarity theory states that familiar objects are more liked than less familiar ones. The same holds true with people: We like people who are similar to us. This theory seems to hold true whether the commonality is in the area of opinions, personality traits, background, or lifestyle. Consequently, those who want us to comply with their wishes can accomplish that purpose by appearing similar to us in a variety of ways.
Studies show that we tend to like and are more attracted to those who are like us and with whom we can relate. If you watch people a party, you will see them instantly gravitate towards people who seem to be similar to themselves. I can remember walking in a foreign country, taking in the unfamiliar sights and sounds, and then running into someone from my own country. We could have been from opposites sides of the nation, but there was an instantaneous bond between us, all because we had something in common in a mutually unfamiliar place.
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People Skills: Winning Instant Acceptance from Others
The ability to work well with people tops the list for common skills and habits of highly successful people. Studies show that as much as 85 percent of your success in life depends on your people skills and the ability to get others to like you. In fact, the Carnegie Institute of Technology found that only 15 percent of employment and management success is due to technical training or intelligence, while the other 85 percent is due to personality factors, or the ability to deal with people successfully. A Harvard University study also found that for every person who lost his job for failure to do work, two people lost their jobs for failure to deal successfully with people.
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Rapport: The Instant Connection
Rapport is the secret ingredient that makes us feel a tangible and harmonious link with someone else. It is equivalent to being on the same wavelength with the other person. Rapport is the key that makes mutual trust materialize.
Have you ever met a perfect stranger and just hit it off? Finding plenty to talk about, you almost felt as if you had met before. It just felt right. So comfortable were you in talking about practically anything that you lost track of time. You developed such a strong bond with that person that you knew what he was going to say. Everything just clicked between the two of you and you felt very close to this person. It might have been a physical attraction, or it might have just entailed being on the same wavelength. You felt your ideas were in sync and you enjoyed your time with each other. This is rapport. When there is rapport, we can differ in our opinions with someone else but still feel a connection or bond with that person. Rapport can even exist between two people who share very few similarities.
In our discussion of rapport, we are going to elaborate on two concepts: body language and mirroring. Both of these ideas will help you to develop rapport faster.
Body Language: Attracts or Distracts
Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly reading and being read by others. Even without the utterance of words, the language of the body speaks volumes. Often, interpreting body language is a subconscious thing. We may not make a conscientious effort to think through all the details of why someone has just folded their arms across their chest and narrowed their eyes at us, yet somehow this body language registers subliminally and makes us feel uneasy. The subconscious instantaneously interprets these actions to indicate resistance, suspicion, or spite, even if we have not made a conscious study of the opposing person or their background.
Using body language to its fullest not only involves mastering your own use of outward gestures to create and maintain rapport, but also entails acquiring the ability to read the body language of another person. When you can effectively read body language, you can identify the emotions and discomfort of others. You can see tension and disagreement. You can feel rejection and suspicion. You have to understand that your body language adds to or detracts from your message. In other words, your subconscious gestures and expressions can either help or hurt your ability to persuade others. You can create rapport by understanding and adopting the right body postures and countenances for your prospect.
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Rapport: Other Types of Nonverbal Communication
As mentioned above, putting your hands or fingers to your nose or mouth can send a message that you are lying. As a general rule, keep your hands away from your face and head when engaging in the persuasion process. Here are a few more nonverbal indicators:
Leaning closer interest and comfort
Learning away discomfort with the facts or with the person
Nodding interest, agreement, and understanding
Relaxed posture openness to communicate
Hand to cheek evaluating or considering
Sitting with hands clasped behind head arrogance or superiority
Tapping or drumming fingers impatience or annoyance
Steepling fingers closing off or creating barrier
Fidgeting boredom, nervousness, or impatience
Clutching objects tightly anxiety or nervous anticipation
Chin stroke deep thinking or intently listening
Rapport: Touch
Touch is another powerful part of body language—important enough to devote a whole section toit alone. Touch can be a very effective psychological technique. Subconsciously, we like to be touched; it makes us feel appreciated and liked. It is true, though, that we do need to be aware and careful of a small percentage of the population who dislikes being touched in any way. In most instances, however, touch can help put people at ease and make them more receptive to you and your ideas.
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Rapport: Mirroring and Matching
John Grinder and Richard Bandler, founders of neuro linguistic programming (NLP), developed the concept of ‘‘mirror and matching.’’ The idea is to align your movements and body image with your prospect’s demeanor. The goal is to mirror or reflect their actions, not to imitate them. If people think you are imitating them, they may feel like you’re mocking them and they may become offended. They will see you as phony and no longer trust you. Instead of directly imitating, just mirror or match the overall tone and demeanor of your prospect. You can safely mirror their language, posture, gestures, and mood.
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Rapport: Breaking the Mirror
Certainly, there are occasions when you may not want to mirror someone else. For example, a lawyer will often seek to create anxiety or uneasiness in a witness. To accomplish this, the lawyer needs to avoid mirroring. While the witness is slumped back in the seat looking at the ground, the lawyer may hover or stand rigidly and look intensely at the witness’s face. Have you ever noticed or felt the uneasiness when someone stood in the middle of a conversation where everyone was seated? Have you ever experienced the awkwardness of glancing at your watch when you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone and they notice? ‘‘Breaking the mirror’’ breaks the synchronization that makes everyone feel calm and comfortable. If you need to break the mirror, simply stop mirroring and sit, speak, or gesture differently from the person you’re dealing with. You can create even further distance by altering your demeanor abruptly or suddenly.
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